I recently read that the average child hears the word “no” roughly 40,000 times by the age of five.That’s 40,000 “No’s” before they even start the first grade. On the contrary, the average child only hears “yes” 5,000 times by the exact same age. That’s eight times as many no’s to yes’s. Now understandably the average 5 year old is probably full of mischief and thus needs to be told “No!” Yet I just wonder what affect all the “no’s” have on the child as they grow older.
Don’t do that! Don’t touch that! Don’t say that! Don’t talk to strangers! Don’t cross the street! No… No…. No…
Emilie’s only seven months old and I can already recount the number of times I’ve told her “no.” Don’t scratch my face Emilie. Don’t spit your milk out Emilie. Don’t hit yourself with your toy Emilie. Don’t look at the TV Emilie. No… No… No….
Yet the energy it requires to affirm her with “yes’s” is harder to come by. But I’m seeing how significantly more important it is to affirm with positive reinforcement.
Now I’m sure there are some seasoned parents out there who are looking at this newbie and saying “this young father has no idea what he’s talking about!”… And you’re probably right, I don’t. But just indulge me for a minute. I’m not suggesting that telling your children “no” is a bad thing. As a parent, my motto is similar to that of the police… “To protect and serve.” And part of protecting is setting clear boundaries and reinforcing those boundaries with consequences.
I’m only suggesting that while I establish boundaries with “no’s” I must be just as intentional to affirm her with “yes’s” For example: when I say, “Emilie don’t spit your food out,” I need to immediately follow it up with “Emilie food is meant for your tummy. When you spit it out your tummy gets lonely cause there’s no food down there for it to play with. Lets give your tummy something to play with.”
Now granted, the later is much more time intensive and I could save so much energy by just saying, “Don’t spit your food out.” However, I think something is lost when we lead our children through life by telling them “no.”
Compounding over time, these “no’s” dim our children’s vision to the endless possibilities life presents. They then view life through the lens of what they can’t do, suffocating the creative genius God has placed within them. On some level the average adult struggles with self-defeating thoughts. “I’m not smart enough… I’m not cute enough…” And I just believe that the roots of these thoughts may be found in the 40,000 no’s we were told growing up.
Simply put, I don’t think Holly and I will be able to drastically change the 40,000 “No’s” Emilie will hear. We’re her parents and we must set boundaries. But we can change the number of “Yes’s” she hears. So for every “no” may it be followed by a “yes.” And may this impact her view of life and ulitmately change how she views herself.
Emilie Grace 
my four children range from preschool to teen, so i’m a mildly seasoned parent and can tell you from experience: this is GREAT! a little over 2 yrs ago, God began quieting my spirit AND shutting my mouth, and with that, HE was given the opportunity to speak for and through me. I can’t fully articulate the positive changes i’ve seen in my home by choosing to speak life. by choosing, instead of telling the kids to stop being disobedient, telling them to BE obedient. telling them. We can still set clear, firm boundaries by telling our kids what we DO expect of them. also, research supports this – positive reinforcement is THE best method for behavioral change. so there’s that. 🙂 speak life 🙂
Wow, thank you for sharing your story. I am in the same boat and God has demanded Mr to be quiet with my n’s and start explaining why we are saying it. Start a conversation with them. Because we stride to be like Christ, I just think about the Yes’ s He gives us when as adults we expected a no.
Amen!
Speak Life! Those are the words I was looking for! Life and death is in the power of the tongue… and yet I don’t think we really understand what that means… wow! SPEAK LIFE!
What you have written is so true. With our first, we consciously chose not to use the word no. It took a lot of effort to express our desires in positive terms. “The yummy cereal goes into Sierra’s mouth and then to your tummy. (tickle) The floor doesn’t have a mouth.” Once she was walking, the absence of no required energy. We’d have to get up off of our behinds and move Sierra physically while attempting to divert her attention with our words. While moving her away from the fireplace, “Let’s play with the blocks!” The idea was that for every one thing we don’t want her to do, to have, to see, to hear, to touch, etc., there are a thousand great options waiting for her. It worked for our family and eventually, we were able occasionally to just say no. Unfortunately, we forgot the plan by the time number two came and no seemed to be Francesca’s favorite word. Oops! It’s much easier to eliminate no up front than it is to change the habit, but it can be done.
The payoff really comes as children age. It is rewarding when my teens accept our no as graciously as they can. (No one ever really wants to hear and have to abide by that decision.) We are able to remind them and they know from experience that, if we could, we would say YES. Never perfect, but very good.
Have fun!
Thanks so much for sharing your journey! You guys are truly GREAT PARENTS. Holly and I secretly aspire to be just like you two! 🙂
Awesome awesome Post! I will be cognitive of my Nos to Aerione and make sure I implement some positive reinforcement!
nice.
Thank you for that piece on “Yes” and “No.” It’s really something to think about.